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I wanted a personal statement that grabbed every guy by the collar and whispered each word into his mouth.

I swear I was in love with myself by the time I finished, a bottle having morphed into a six-pack of beer, and I posted the hottest picture of myself I had: a close-up taken by a professional photographer in which I appeared 20 pounds lighter than I was.

It built up your confidence at the very moment you were looking your worst. I went out with him again, but something crucial was lacking. He showed up in jeans and a '70s ringer shirt pocked with holes and said, "Look, I dressed up for you," and already I liked him. We sat in a bar that was delightfully sleazy, and he drank a beer and I drank water, and nothing was forced or uncomfortable about this arrangement, which was shocking in itself. When he walked me to my car, he said, "So I'm unemployed, I'm broke, and I still live with my ex.

After the comical way I ducked the graphic designer's kiss, I was certain I'd never hear from him again. "I don't think this is going to work," I told him, which was a phrase I was learning to say. I understand if you never want to see me again, but you should know all that."I saw him the next week. We sat outside a gelato store with our feet kicked up on the railing, and we talked about pornography.

One of the great, unheralded aspects of Internet dating was that the word was in the title, thus eliminating any ambiguity. Occasionally I would e-mail one of them, and they never wrote back, and I got it.

Back when I was drinking, I wouldn't have responded to me either.

My only directions involved taking a glass of wine to my lips and letting the sweet release show me the way. It was the fate of all single women in their late thirties to stare down a personal profile, and as far as punishments go, this was fairly benign. It allowed me to inch toward intimacy with built-in distance. I understood that not drinking—and not drinking to such an extent that it was the first detail I shared about myself—would turn off certain guys. Those bearded eccentrics with their fluency in HBO shows and single-malt Scotch.

It granted me the clarity that "hanging out at the bar" often lacked. How I missed those beautiful, damaged men, but we kept our distance from each other.

"You smell like a brewery," he'd say, and I didn't get it.My first online date was with a divorced father who was an immigration lawyer. He deserved to spend that holiday with someone who felt differently about him.I was starting to learn one of the most important lessons of online dating: the wisdom of saying no. I was shy and ambitious, a terrible mix, and so I tried to dismantle my isolationist tendencies.I did it for my friend Anna, who'd logged countless hours listening to me complain about my ex. I bought a bottle of sauvignon blanc that night and sipped my way onto a plateau of cleverness.I didn't want a profile that was drab and ordinary.




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